A Piece of my Heart

Yesterday was Tyndale's birthday. June has been a depressing month for me because of that fact. I constantly think about her. When I see other little girls her age, my heart aches just a little more as I wish for what could've been. Thoughts of Barney-themed birthday parties have occupied my mind. I should be planning one.

Yesterday I attended a funeral for a man from my church. About three weeks ago he passed out at work. Doctors discovered that he had 2 brian tumors that were inoperable, and they sent him home with Hospice care.

Thoughts of why entered my mind as I contemplated what a sweet soul this man was. Why would God allow him to leave this earth? He spent much of his day studying the word and praying for others. He was a true servant of the Lord. Why was his time here cut short? Thoughts of why naturally transferred over to Tyndale. I don't understand it. But before I go on too much about that, I'll tell you what I do understand: God's ways are not our ways. It is not for us to know why, but for us to trust that God will work all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). God promises many things, but He doesn't promise a pain-free existence. He doesn't promise fairness (see Job).

Just as my heart has been broken by the devastation of losing Tyndale, it has been mended by the overwhelming love from friends and family. I got two bouquets of flowers delivered this week. I could write PAGES describing the loving phone calls, cards, plants (that I still have) and gifts I got 2 years ago when she passed. But I am still getting those things. What a blessing it is to me to have such great friends! If not for Tyndale, I probably wouldn't have such deep friendships.


I think I'm also a bit more patient with Avery as a result of losing Tyndale. Don't get me wrong, I still get frustrated. Very frustrated. And I have lost my cool. But I am reminded that fussy days and loud screams are far preferable to the deafening silence of a lifeless heart. Thanks to Tyndale, I appreciate life a bit more and I have a greater understanding of its fragility. Thanks to my experience with Tyndale I am able to share this piece of my heart that I might not otherwise share. And I might not otherwise have it to share.

By no means do I have it all figured out. I still get sad and I cry. I still have pity parties. I know it is okay to grieve. It is okay to ask why. But God has revealed to me that it is unproductive to dwell on why. That is His business. What is productive is to trust Him and live with an eternal perspective. I have such peace and joy knowing that Tyndale will never deal with the trials of this world. The only arms she will ever know are those of Jesus. What a wonderful thing! And I can rejoice for the man at my church. Tears streamed down my face at his funeral. I will miss his example. I'm sad that Avery won't get to know him. But he is in a better place. So I suppose the question should not be why, but when do I get to go?

I put a playlist on my blog. (You probably know this by now.) The first song that should come up is Bring the Rain by Mercy Me. What a great song. I hope it encourages you in your times of trial as it has encouraged me.

14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Epehsians 3:14-21